As the holiday season approaches, it's natural to feel a sense of excitement and anticipation. However, it's also a time when many individuals experience challenges with maintaining personal boundaries. Whether dealing with difficult family members or feeling overwhelmed by social obligations, it's essential to recognize that these are common struggles, and you are not alone in facing them. By acknowledging your own needs and setting appropriate boundaries, you can help ensure that you have a safe, enjoyable, and fulfilling holiday season. Remember, taking care of yourself is always a priority, regardless of external expectations. 

According to the American Psychological Association, 38% of people surveyed said their stress increased during the holiday season, which can lead to physical illness, depression, anxiety, and substance misuse. The reasons for increased stress may include a lack of time, financial pressure, gift-giving, and family gatherings (October 24, 2023). 

Some holiday stress can be managed with healthy boundaries that readjust the expectations and remove the pressure of the holidays. When we start to protect our experience by setting boundaries, we will feel more agency and autonomy in our experience. 

So, what are boundaries? Boundaries are the limits and rules we set to stay safe in our bodies and experiences. These protect us from burnout and help us to have positive mental health due to clarity of expectations. Many types of boundaries can be beneficial. 

Internal Boundaries

These boundaries refer to your inner needs and self. For example, this boundary may influence self-regulation, energy expenditure, social bandwidth, and relational functioning. These may be non-verbal thoughts. For example, I need more time to myself. 

Verbally, they may sound like this: 

"I need some alone time."

"I need to stay in tonight and get some sleep."

"I need to take care of some errands before we hang out." 

Physical Boundaries

These boundaries refer to your body, physical touch, intimacy, privacy, and personal space. You have the agency to choose how you physically interact with others. These include setting boundaries around various types of relationships and interactions and greetings (handshakes, hugs, kissing, etc.). Most commonly, these boundaries are violated when someone intrudes upon our physical space, such as rummaging through our car or bedroom, reading our text messages, or receiving nonconsensual or unwanted touch. 

If someone encroaches on your physical boundaries or personal space, it is okay to speak up or step away (physically removing yourself is sometimes a safe non-verbal boundary). Taking a break may include using the restroom to take a deep breath, stating that you are getting over a cold and won't be swapping hugs, or even closing off certain areas of the house, such as your bedroom. You also may choose to participate or not participate in activities or games. It is okay to say no. 

Intellectual Boundaries

Our intellectual boundaries encompass our thoughts, values, and opinions. A violation of this boundary can occur when someone disrespects or dismisses our ideas. This often happens during the holidays when politics are brought up, and in such cases, it may be helpful to refrain from engaging in discussions with name-calling or dismissive language. 

"I respect your perspective, although I disagree." 

Emotional Boundaries

These boundaries refer to our feelings and emotional experiences. This boundary may also refer to how emotionally available we are to others. A great example of this is our vulnerability and suitability to share our lives with others or not. Not everyone is entitled to our emotional experience or support, especially in abusive relationships where our emotions can be weaponized or gaslighted. These boundaries assist in establishing emotional safety. If you are at a holiday gathering where personal information is discussed and feel uncomfortable, you have the right to opt-out.

When talking to someone overstepping an emotional boundary, it may feel like they are prying into your life. For example, a cousin's significant other loudly asks about your dating life. You hear them shout your name across the table for all to hear, "HEY, ARE YOU STILL SINGLE? ARE YOU ON ANY DATING APPS?"As you internally cringe at the lack of boundaries, please note that you can have an empowered response and set a boundary. 

Sometimes, this may be a parent. In that example, Mom mutters, "It would be nice if you brought someone home; I want grandchildren, you know."

You can say something like this: "I understand that you care about my happiness, but when you repeatedly ask me questions about my dating life, it makes me feel stressed and uncomfortable. I would appreciate it if you could refrain from asking me about it in the future. If I decide to share any details regarding my dating life, I would like it to be on my terms."

Material Boundaries

These boundaries refer to our personal belongings, sentimental symbols, or finances. Sometimes, it is unsafe to lend money to our car or other belongings to family or friends, and these boundaries can protect us from others damaging our belongings or pressuring us to lend despite unreliability. 

"I am not able to lend you my car." 

"Last time I lent you money, you never paid me back. I am not comfortable lending you money at this time." 

Time Boundaries

These boundaries refer to our time. We do not owe others our time or an explanation of our time. Setting these boundaries allows us to set limits around how much of our time we spend doing something or how much time we are giving to others.

During holidays, it's common to encounter situations where family members may expect you to spend all your time with them without considering your plans or preferences. For instance, they may ask you to spend several days with them or take time off work to visit them without consulting you. This kind of stress is often heightened when navigating time spent with divorced parents or splitting time with in-laws. If there is hostility surrounding this, it can escalate into an uncomfortable situation. However, if we feel overwhelmed with the pressure to make the situation work, we can find relief by setting boundaries and adjusting expectations. 

If you are struggling to set holiday boundaries and would like more support, our therapists are happy to help! Please reach out to us or fill out a consultation form.